In the clouds

 As I sat in the oncology office today, I realized where my observation of clouds began.  Every 3-4 weeks for the past five years I have sat in the exam room looking eastward out the window while waiting for the medical team to enter the room.  The window is large, covered with a woven shade, which deepens the resolution of shapes in the sky.  Occasionally, the shade is up, and I notice the vacant field, a person walking the dog, a couple of ranch style houses, or the water tower in the distance.  On most days I notice the clouds.  Spokane Valley clouds are beautiful.  They are fully dimensional.  I notice the bright fluff nearest the sun, and the darker shadowing below it.  Sun peek through the opaque spaces.  Sometimes I notice them darkening heavy with moisture.  Rarely is there a cloudless day, mostly in winter. Drawn to their variations, I began taking pictures with my phone camera from that room, and it has expanded taking pictures of clouds in the sky wherever I go: in the car (as passenger), from our yard, on drives and vacations in Montana or Oregon.  The deeper meaning of this obsession hasn't self-disclosed.  Perhaps, a reminder there is a God in heaven overseeing all that happens on earth, and someday I will too be in the heavens observing family and friends from afar.  I hope that when I am in heaven, I still influence for good.  I imagine whispering to my husband, sons, and daughters words of love, encouragement, and inspiration for the struggles they endure on earth.  At times, I feel my influence will be stronger there than it is presently.

My days on earth are not yet numbered, but the end is drawing nearer. I am scheduled to begin an antibody-drug conjugate targeted infusion therapy next week.  The progression - free survival with this medication (Datroway) is 10.5 months.  If I am unable to tolerate it, or progression occurs, we move onto clinical trials, until the cancer is no longer treatable.  The common side effects include mouth sores, nausea, fatigue, hair loss, constipation, dry eyes, vomiting, etc.  Common serious side effects include lung problems - interstitial lung disease, eye problems - deterioration of the corneas, and mouth sores - ulcers.  Consequently, I will be using mouthwash, and eye drops each 4 times or more daily, 

My first reaction before the treatment begins?  I am already nauseous.

When I retired from work at DDA last year, I was conflicted.  I wanted to continue doing the work I had been doing, enjoying the privileges of being a knowledgeable resource, an effective trainer, and competent problem solver.  I was forced to leave projects midstream, years of plans not yet accomplished, friends and co-workers who's relationships were meaningful to me.

However, leaving work allowed space for pursuing creative outlets in gardening, quilting, soapmaking, and even some cooking.  Unscheduled time permitted de-cluttering, weeding and planting, working in our ward relief society, missionary and temple work.  I had considerably more time with Van, my husband.  

I had almost forgotten what good partners we are working together. We are so compatible.  We admire and utilize each other's strengths to problem solve and achieve common goals, and we chuckle at our fumbles, flops, and failures in the process. Working alongside Van, I feel connected, confident, and comfortable. I am loving this time together.

I am keenly conscious, that there will be things left undone...just like when i retired from work last year.  There will be words unspoken, regrettably relationships left unhealed, and aspirations not achieved, and regrets of not resolving all the loose ends before my life on earth has ended. There is not enough time or energy to wrap them in a tidy package with a pretty bow.

I hope to be remembered as a compassionate, gentle soul, faithful, filled with love, for family, friends, and God.