Ascending the roller coaster

From a young age, centrifuge and velocity in any combination result in wooziness, nausea, lightheadedness, and panic. As long as there is stillness, I can manage heights.  But tides, waves, and other energy forcing acceleration on my being, are distressing.

After a very enjoyable sisters retreat at Cannon Beach Oregon, I met with my oncologist. Once again, a concerning CT scan loads and locks me into me into my cart and the ascent builds tension click by click, clank by clank.

Another MRI, echo cardiogram, and two weeks waiting on results to confirm the suspected liver metastasis. Physical symptomology is not present, but if confirmed, another change in medical treatment, most likely from pills to IV infusions will follow.

I hear Elder Patrick Kearnan's Oct 2025 General conference message:

"The Father’s beautiful plan is designed to bring His children home, not to keep them out. “God is in relentless pursuit of you.”

"The purpose of this earth is to give an opportunity to learn, grow, make mistakes, repent and return home."  

I think my metastatic breast cancer is one of the ways "God pursues me."  It brings me back to HIM. Sometimes, I neglect the steps necessary to maintain spiritual momentum.  In the past few months, I have passed by opportunities for scripture study and personal pray.  I have felt myself distancing choosing hobbies over missionary work, cherry-picking temple attendance as it suits me, and selecting entertainment over spiritual messages.

These cancer reoccurrences are reminders that I am dependent upon God for the gift of life and cannot simply exist or endure thinking eternal joy is a given.  

I shouldn't be stunned or distressed when cancer reappears.  I have ridden this ride a few times now. Perhaps it is only another speed bump.  It feels like it.  

However, having just receive my third injection in a series for macular degeneration yesterday, I feel less inclined to put a lot of energy into daily life.  My left eye hurts.  My mood is flat, and my appetite is pretty much gone. I am cognizant that I have to eat regularly to prevent a blood sugar crash, so I eat a bit throughout the day... a nutritional shake, oatmeal with fruit, a slice of bread, a bit of mozzarella cheese, a granola bar, or whatever is at hand.  In my mind I hear "eat nutritionally", but I don't feel like putting any effort into and would be content with Jello and toast.

In 2-3 weeks' time, I will have some answers, but until then, I ascend click by click, clank by clank.