pebbles, stones, and repentance
In Relief Society today, we discussed Your Repentance Doesn’t Burden Jesus Christ; It Brightens His Joy by Sister Tamara W. Runia. If you haven't read or listened to it, I highly recommend it.
In our discussion, I felt to ask for us to spend a bit more time on the difference between Godly repentance and shame. Although I know repentance is cleansing and shame is not, it still is not easy to separate them.
Stones and pebbles have been a representation of permanence, objects of beauty, and the smooth ones were cool and soothing to the touch. But sometimes instead of being strong "rock" foundational footings, misplaced stones and pebbles create instability.
Unfortunately, both my husband and I were raised in shame-based parenting styles. His was easy to recognize given there was generational alcoholism and some mental health issues that created his chaotic and instable up-bringing. I was blind to most of shame-based parenting experiences my sisters and I experienced until I attended BYU Provo where peers poked holes in my picture-perfect idyllic upbringing.
"It's a good thing I love you" which I learned as expression of love, subtly implies that if it wasn't for the love of my mother, I would be "less loveable." "You should be ashamed of yourself" turned mistakes into guilt and insecurity. Growing up I was so worried about making mistakes that even in adulthood, I have been paralyzed in decision making and mistrust in my intuition or "gut feeling."
I have also figuratively collected stones that were not my own, and like the physical rocks and stones I could not cast away, I accommodated their presence also. Some of my pebbles and stones were given to my own children through my own immature parenting and I feel sad that they hold onto these too
I have collected and carried my mistakes like stones in a backpack, fearful if I let them go, the weight of that stone would increase rather than lessen.
I am learning to empty my backpack of these stones, a bit at a time. Occasionally, after discarding one, I come across it again and evaluate if I want to pick it back up or leave it where it lay.
I am learning that holding onto mistakes and evaluating them one by one is a continuation of shame.
As I attend the temple and review the experience of Adam and Eve succumbing to the temptation of Satan offering forbidden fruit. Satan revealed their nakedness and told them to hide. God invited them to confess what they had done, then clothed their nakedness, providing protection and hope.
Godly repentance is humbly giving my pebbles and stones to my Savior without holding back, believing that he has done what is needed to be done to release me from the consequences of sin, and walk in covenant with Him.
The following quotes are from Sister Runia's conference address:
"...heaven isn’t for people who’ve been perfect; it’s for people who’ve been forgiven, who choose Christ again and again.”.
"It saddens me to admit this, but I used to measure my relationship with the Savior by how perfectly I was living. I thought an obedient life meant I would never need to repent. And when I made mistakes, which was every single day, I distanced myself from God, thinking, “He must be so disappointed in me.”
That’s just not true.
I’ve learned that if you wait until you’re clean enough or perfect enough to go to the Savior, you’ve missed the whole point!
What if we thought about commandments and obedience in a different way?
I testify that while God cares about our mistakes, He cares more about what happens after we make a mistake. Are we going to turn to Him again and again? Are we going to stay in this covenant relationship?
Maybe you hear the Lord’s words “If [you] love me, keep my commandments” and feel deflated because you haven’t kept all the commandments. Let me remind you that it is also a commandment to repent! In fact, it might be the most repeated commandment in the scriptures.
In Alma’s soliloquy, “O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of [my] heart … and cry repentance,” he wasn’t trying to shame us by pointing out our mistakes. He wanted to cry repentance so that you and I could avoid suffering in the world. One reason Alma hated sin is because it causes us pain.
Sometimes I have to remember, like a Post-it note on my forehead, that the commandments are the path away from pain. And repentance is too. Our prophet said, “The Savior loves us always but especially when we repent.”
So when the Lord says, “Repent ye, repent ye,” what if you imagined Him saying, “I love you. I love you.” Picture Him pleading with you to leave behind the behavior causing you pain, inviting you to step out of darkness and turn to His light."
Comments