Humility

As 2025 came to an end, there were unspent funds in my Health Savings Account.  It was use it or lose it decision time.  I used it for an OURA ring which I have worn nearly daily since I received it in the mail. Activity, heart rate, respirations, sleep, and stress are my primary measurements.  After 4 months, the readings verify that I poorly manage my stress and a large portion of that stress is in my own head!

Evidence:

Activity - It took 4 months to identify any routine, but indications are that I currently hibernate like a bear in Winter and come alive again in Spring.  I push my body on the regular but have a good recovery with rest. Finally, although I have lived like "morning person" from childhood to retirement, my most natural productive time is early evening. (My co-worker picked up on it much quicker than I did.)

Heart rate -. My perception of mental stress easily alters my heart rate.  Friends often comment that I have a calming effect on them.  I obviously mask well in this area.

Respirations - I underestimated my propensity to breathe shallowly or hold my breath.  OURA cues me daily to complete breathing exercises.

Sleep disturbances - restless legs, vivid dreams with startling wakefulness, elevated heart rates occur unrelated to sleep disturbances - not surprising.

Stress - Who knew how stressful it can be in retirement!!  It makes me pause at the stress load I have carried, often unnecessarily, throughout my adult life.  Small thoughts slip quickly into repetitive mental phrasing.  A few days ago cleaning the kitchen I realized that I was repeating the same mundane thought for several minutes.  Approaching senility?

My career was largely people oriented using skills like de-escalation, problem solving, resource development, performing assessments, training to rules and policies, etc. I had capacity to explain complex problems and soothe high emotional responses. I have less capacity to do so now. 

A small ischemic event early last fall left me with mild cognitive impairment, mild balance issues, and undetermined hearing loss. I misplace keys, wallet, and phone regularly, check my calendar throughout the day to maintain appointments, and often discover that I left cabinet / refrigerator doors ajar, and even toilet seats up (so not like me).  Spell Check, dictionary, and thesaurus are often referenced, and my handwriting is unrecognizable to me at times.  The small "ischemic event" has had a rather significant impact on me and my lack of confidence in decision making is at an all-time high.

Yesterday, I succumbed to a fraud call costing me dearly. He took misrepresented themselves and took advantage of my vulnerability before I recognized what had happened - alarming that I didn't recognize it in the 20 minutes I was on the phone with the fraudster.  I was incredulous when my own mother succumbed to a scam in her early 70's, but the damage to my pocketbook exceeded hers! I hope there is some compensation, but I am presently doubtful.  I filed a report and contacted the financial agency.  We shall see.

"Real" stresses last week.

1) Concern for daughter who started new employment and her needed consultation and support through her 2-week training period.

2) Concern for son who suddenly entered and soon after exited a detox program, confident that he could manage the process independently.

3) Visit from another son who seemed to be gaining traction but then arrested yesterday morning for falsifying information to an officer (What exactly did he say.do?)

4) Worries about another daughter and her cat acquired 3 months ago who started urinating bloody urine and then stopped eating and drinking altogether resulting in multiple vet/vet hospital visits, expenses, and new diet.

5) Soapmaking week class. I signed up for a $10 online goat milk making class held daily at 5 p.m., joining with excitement after a recent soap-making experience. I ended up spending more than I should have, both in time and money, gathering and purchasing the materials needed to complete the course.

6) General Conference - while I look forward to hearing the counsel of prophets, apostles, and church leaders, I also succumb to an awareness of faith neglect and habits that need improvement.

7) Yardwork - I look forward to time in the yard, weeding, planting, mowing, etc, but our yard is entirely too big to manage at this stage in life, and I vacillate between determination and overwhelm.  Breaks are required, and determination is needed to resume the work.

8) Cooking, cleaning, repairing ... see yardwork.

9) Eating and digestion - in the past 18 months I have been swinging from no appetite to snacking to full meals and lack of appetite in no healthy order.  Weight management is unruly.  I dropped 60 lbs, stabilized, then gain 15 lbs, and feel "fat" though I am not.  I had hoped to lose weight but did not plan in participate in any diet. Dysregulation abounds. 

10) Balance - it catches me off guard.  Typically, I am steady.  However, on occasion I have tripped over my own foot, stumbled accessing a chair, and fell to the ground operating a lawn mower.

Emerging theme: humility (noun)

1. the quality of having a modest view of one's value or importance:
   
   

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