A day to myself

These days are so rare and to have a day to myself in one of my favorite seasons – autumn is priceless. Too often days I plan alone are curtailed by the plans of someone else. Though the dog tries to capture and hold my attention, on days like today he fails. While at times the cat lounges on the counter or table where he knows he doesn’t belong, or brushes past my fingers as I tap on the keyboard, he mainly eyes me as I sit or walk by, but leaves me alone in my thoughts. (I think that is why I like my cat. He is present without being demanding.)
Usually on days like today, I try to organize, clean, or complete something that has been weighing on me. This morning I began the boy’s laundry, resisted the urge to overhaul their room, and quickly tidied “spots” of nuisance in the house – dining room and kitchen tables, kitchen counter, dishes from breakfast, made the bed. Soon I was treading a familiar path, chiding myself and my children for being so disorganized, messy, and undisciplined. If left unguarded this chiding quickly rolls into plumes of fuming anger, and this morning I was swiftly headed that way. Then the thought entered my mind “Why get mad?” And I thought about that for a few minutes. Why get mad? They’re kids, they’re messy, I’m messy, and probably was just as messy as a kid. Why get mad?
Then as I took the bedding off Nathan’s bunk for washing, I saw his school picture framed as an old western WANTED poster. I saw the word “WANTED” and his picture beneath. Wanted. Isn’t that what we all desire….to be wanted?
Wanted, not left wanting.
I wanted these children, to be a Mom, to have the experience of life. I wanted all of this. Why be mad?
Then mad circled around to grateful and I felt peaceful once again.