Week 2 - Lessons learned this week

I may have mentioned it, but I experience anxiety.  My anxiety has been usually situational ...a test, a talk, a lesson, a choice I regretted, or a social mistake / faux pau I made but only recognized later.  I also distinctly recall a day in Poulsbo when I decided to take a walk from our home on NE Torval Canyon Road to a park near Front Street, anticipating I would enjoy some time alone. When I arrived at the park, I became really uncomfortable.  There was no danger lurking, or identifiable cause for what I was experiencing, but I could not relax in the least and moved from sitting on the grass to a picnic table to trail near some shrubs, to picnic table and so on, before leaving again. What I thought would be a pleasant and refreshing outing was anything but, and I was glad to return home.  I was around 15 years old at the time. 

Growing up I often had a sibling or friend accompanying me wherever I went.  Of course, that thought had not occurred to me, but looking back, I hardly recall being truly alone, anywhere.  Of course, there were times I still "felt alone" or lonely in a group or crowd, but another person was nearly always near, not in a suffocating way, just present and available.

It was probably when I was living in Poulsbo and working in Seattle that I felt the most alone.  As if I was every really alone on a ferry boat ride across the Puget Sound, walking in downtown Seattle, or on a bus.  I felt "alone" on the way to work at Genera Sportswear, or later from the Ferry dock to The Northern Life Insurance Company located at Third Ave and Spring Street. The walk to Generra Sportswear was the most "alone" feeling.  The fog was so thick passing Ivar's Fish Bar and Pier One Imports at 7 :00 a.m. that another person couldn't be seen until we were within 10 feet of visibility.  I learned to attentively listen and walk quickly.

When I really wanted to be alone in married family life, I took a drive in my car or took a walk.  It was a nice respite leaving home and driving roads previously unknown by me, especially intersecting the Palouse Highway, or meandering the Saltese River flats which are now quite developed.  I also took walks up Sands Road through the Ponderosa neighborhood, often with Eddie, our schnauzer, as a companion.  It was peaceful, or invigorating, and at times both.  

Now that I telework from home, with both Van and Maddie work evenings, the pets and I have "alone time" between 5-8 pm, when my evenings are not occupied by other commitments.  Sometimes, I secretly wish to be sans pets during those hours.

Last weekend, I stayed mostly at home relaxing or sleeping in bed. Friday fulvestrant injections often lead to fatigue, but with the Truqap added, I laid low all weekend long including the Martin Luther King holiday, except to attend Sunday church services.  Van was mostly in the quilting/sewing room, and Maddie was either in the family room or her own bedroom.  Consequently, this led to a hyper focus on my bodily functions, and emotions.  Returning to work on Tuesday (still teleworking), my chest felt unusually tight, my throat and voice were constricted, coughing increased, and fatigued persisted for days.  I could hardly carry a conversation over Microsoft Teams or verbally participate in routine training presentations.  I even felt spasms in my chest and involuntarily spit-up a few times during the day - off camera. By Thursday, I reached out to my oncologist via messaging and questioned if Truqap was a wise choice for my body.

This morning there was an internal mental debate over the Truqap - take it or not take it?  "Take it" won.  Today day was so different than last Friday.  I had more energy, less coughing, and more comfort than the previous 7 days.   Was it the delicious and nutritious dinner I enjoyed with our RS presidency hosted by Tori Orndorff, socializing with a purpose, or extra prayers by others.  The dinner consisted of Butternut squash soup, a glazed pear and pomegranate lettuce salad, and a dinner roll.  The entire meal agreed with me - all night!!  The coughing only resumed after Maddie called to let me know she had missed the paratransit bus, and I didn't have access to pick her up because my car was in the garage at home because Brandy, Delphia, and I had carpooled to Tori's place. However, today's activities required a two-hour mid-day break for a Maddie and me to attend an "in person" visit with a potential residential supported living agency provider, and an "in person" annual review with Maddie's job coach at Galaxy Grind where I enjoyed avocado toast and a fruity non-alcoholic, non-coffee beverage throughout the meeting. Tonight, although I retreated to type this blog entry, I feel so much healthier than during the last 7 days.

Lessons learned:

1) isolating and resting all weekend increases 'neurosis' focused thoughts and bodily functions,

2) leaving the house and interacting with others helps to restore meaning and balance, 

3) prayer works (!), and

4) the Trucap is probably doable.