First days of new oncology

The days preceding my new oral oncology medication, I was feeling pain in the right side of my chest.  I couldn't tell if it was bone pain, muscle pain, or just poor posture.  It was difficult to find a comfortable position unless I was sitting in my office chair. Laying back seemed to intensify it.  I would describe it as greater than discomfort, but less than intense, though it ached and kept me from sleeping and I continually searched for a comfortable position throughout the nights, Even at my echocardiogram Thursday morning, laying on my left side (which is my preferred sleeping position) was uncomfortable.  I mentioned it to my oncologist at me appointment Friday and he suggested it was fluid building in my right mung "and that is why we need to get you started on medication today." 

We restarted the Faslodex (fulvestrant) injections that I had received monthly for over 5 years, and  l began taking Truqap (capivasertib) Friday evening. We are front loading the injections with a series of 3 over 6 weeks., since I have not received them since October 2024. Typically, the evening after I receive the injections, I retire to bed early and have a very sound sleep. I stayed up later than normal last Friday but slept well for the first time in several nights.  So, when I spent most of yesterday in bed, I attributed it to the many sleepless nights over the past several weeks.  Although Saturday morning began with resolve to clean our bathroom which has been neglected (gross!)  I sprayed the surfaces, sinks, and shower with white vinegar, and then left to relieve my lungs of the fragrant air.   It was hours later before I returned for scrubbing and wiping the sinks, counters, and mirror.  I started cleaning the shower floor and soon realized that my breathing was shallow, and I couldn't sustain kneeling and cleaning.

Plan B:  One day toilets, another day showers, and yet another day sinks, counters, and mirrors. 

The medication side effects I have noticed in the first few days of starting Truqap is a mild headache within the first hour of taking it.  Breathing has been an effort for some time now, and it feels like I am only using the upper area of my lungs rather than a full breath.  My pulse and O2 readings seem to confirm it.  Using my spirometer is not very effective, but I have not used it diligently. I lost 7 lbs this week without trying. My oncologist says that is the cancer.  I will have to remind myself to eat and eat even when I do not feel like it. It amazes me how little I feel inclined to eat or drink.  I just don't think about it much at all.  Hours go by before I think, oh I haven't eaten yet.  It is now a big part of my "Daily To Do" list as I check off each time I take my medication, eat, and drink a cup of water.  Previously, I never understood how someone could fast 3 days, but I am starting to understand, though I know it is easier when cancer has removed any appetite.

Today I awoke without an alarm, and ready to shower and prepare for church. Waking Maddie the 3 times necessary to get her going for church was a bit annoying but lately that is what it takes since she stays up so late.  However, by the time I sat in a seat in the chapel, I was wiped out.  It took effort to remain upright even in the "soft seat" because my chest pain had returned.  Focusing on the sacrament, the speaker, and noticing people around the room, helped me to not lean into the discomfort, until Maddie rested her head on my shoulder as she dosed.  I reluctant whispered, I didn't have the energy to remain upright with the additional pressure.  She sat back up and while I noticed her head starting to bob sleepily, I continued listening intently to the speakers talking about God's love and showing love to others.

In Sunday School, I noticed a struggling sister smile and nod in agreement when someone else shared her story of a "miracle" in her life that led her to the gospel. I appreciated seeing that.  I heard a newly baptized young man share how he was introduced to the gospel when he had not ever read the Bible, but has now read the Book of Mormon, is reading the Bible now, and listening to him give the closing prayer, I felt his sincerity.  Sometimes, I almost feel God smiling watching us, his children drawing nearer to Him.

When people greeted me and asked how I was doing, I said "fine", but by the end of Sunday School, I had just enough energy to return home and lay down.  I retreated to the bed in my office room, elevated the head and foot of the bed, checked my pulse (103) and O2 (89) while relaxing on the bed beneath my "Jody" quilt.  The I listened to Saints volume 3 through my phone and discovered my dozing a few times as awoke with a loud snore.  

There is a lot of church history in the Saints series that is unfamiliar to me. For example, I was unaware how in deep in debt the church was in the late 1800's, the beginnings and sacrifices for the tabernacle choir, that the election of BH Roberts prompted investigation of the church, that a second manifesto was necessary due to the continued practice of polygamy, even by church leaders. I have a sense of how saints may have been inclined to leave the church while facing some of the struggles, even today. Not all things were right and good, and some decisions were questionable throughout the years. When I was younger, I somehow believed every leadership decision was "revealed" by God. Over time, I realized that we all make mistakes, even leadership.  Last time we studied the Come Follow Me Doctrine and Covenants curriculum, my eyes were open to the humanity in all of us.  Saints are not saints because they have it all figured out and are completely in tune with God's will at all times.  That is a childlike expectation. As latter-day saints we desire to feel God's spirit and to keep the God's commandments, but we often stumble along, sometimes making very poor decisions in retrospect.  

I still criticize myself for making mistakes, but much less than previously. Instead of feeling like I am a bad person, I can see where I have gone wrong or need to improve, and what I hope to do differently when I encounter that situation again next time...and there are usually multiple opportunities to learn the same lessons repeatedly. We are all children, imperfect, but very much-loved children of God.