Obsession?

 Who actually blogs every day?  Apparently, I do now.  

Perhaps spilling my thoughts into the blogosphere reduces the burden of other people in my home having to listen to all my thoughts and allows me to release the relentless commentary in my head.  Not everything I think has value, for certain, but it still circulates around in there.

Do most people experience so much uncertainty with a Metastatic Breast Cancer diagnosis (MBC)?

A month ago, I was in the hospital, very ill, with tamponade of the heart.  Thankfully, the bill was covered by my medical insurance minus a deductible.  If not, I would likely die of anxiety over the greater than $64 thousand hospital bill.  They ran dozens of tests on the fluid sample eliminating everything from tuberculous and HIV, Covid, and various antibodies to fungal infections, but we are still waiting for results on possible cancer cell mutations.

It is cancer, it is not cancer, it is cancer, it is possibly cancer.  

I have large pleural effusion, nothing but a trace pleural effusion, but significant cardiac effusion with significant malignancy in the heart fluid, but the PET scan provided minimal results and nothing to biopsy.

Monitor for cardiac fluid build-up, which appears to have drained away.  Be attentive to 02 levels, pulse rate, hear rate, but don't dwell on it, because that is not healthy for the mind.

"The current targeted therapy has failed", yet there is no evidence of cancer in the scans or blood work.

I cough. I am not coughing.  My voice is weak and frail, my voice sounds stronger.  I am tired, I have energy.  I look sick. I look like a healthy teenager!  I ate real food; I coughed and threw it up.

Prepare to retire and put things in order.  Prepare to keep working to retirement age, you are fine.

Next steps include allergy workup, swallowing evaluation, and oncology treatment of some kind.

Constant change is the normal.  It boggles my mind.

No wonder I awaken at 3 am then remain awake until it is almost time to get up again.

Maybe blogging is therapy.  Stop spinning and just let it all go!