Faith in the Middle

 A call came from my oncology office today.  The Tempus - genetic testing sample appears to be insufficient for detecting any mutations, meaning that targeted therapy may not be an option.  I haven't received definitive plans yet, but in November, my oncologist indicated if the sample was insufficient, I will likely have chemotherapy again.  

I made it through chemo years ago, and it did put the cancer into remission for 12 years.  Why do I dread it so? I was in my 40's and tolerated it quite well except for the allergic reaction once to Benadryl used during the infusion. I still remember the nausea, fatigue, hair loss, leg pain that kept me awake at night, and sitting in the chemo room recliner not really able tto focus or concentrate on anything while the "poison" dripped into my port, and veins. I guess, I never expected to go through it again.

Unlike then, I have calcifications in the lower lobes of my lungs, so breathing requires more effort. Walking up the short but steep driveway leaves me breathless. Consequently, I am less active, not biking, gardening, or skiing.  Within the last 3 years I have had a hemi-diaphragm placation, PVST ablation, and a pericardial drain.  I am on inhalers to maintain my airways. possibly experiencing GERD in addition to acid reflux.  I just anticipate chemo infusion is going to be harder at age 64 than it was at age 42.  Silly as it sounds, I really dread losing my hair again.  Last time I looked older than my own mother, and she was in her 60's.  I felt like I had aged 20 years.  Now I am in my 60's, will I feel like I am in my 80's?  Hair loss is a vain concern, I know.

I was promised that I have many years left on this earth; with much to do in this life.  Perhaps chemo will allow me to fulfill that promise.  Just another bump in the road.  Targeted hormonal therapy could be harder on my organs in the long-run.  I am seriously beginning to believe that the Ibrance and Fulvestrant hormonal therapy over the past 5 years may have led to the damage in my lungs, heart, and perhaps even created small lesions in my esophagus. Especially, when the PET scan and blood work is not currently showing active cancer. 

It is such a switchback to have initial results indicating a lot of cancer cells throughout my lungs and pericardial fluid followed by more refined testing coming up with nothing.  My cancer boomerang continues.

I am not alone in the boomerang cycle.  My son has gone from underemployed, to unemployed, to creating a business, to possibly ending the business.  He feels discouraged, incapable, hopeful, capable, in cycles.  He has uncovered some of his strongest talents in the past 16 months, and at the same time of necessity was dependent upon others to help make ends meet.

So many people all over the world are experiencing really tough things.  Times are tough, financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. As prophesied, I believe men's (and women's) hearts are failing in these latter-days, and many are looking to Jesus Christ's return for relief.

Well, I refuse to let fear, discouragement, uncertainty, win over me.  I will have faith. I have faith, that in the middle of my uncertainty. God will comfort, guide, and sustain me, as I exercise faith in Him and his son, Jesus Christ,

Faith in the Middle by Hilary Weeks

Next big question:

If I do retire early, will I be more motivated and capable of managing the mundane but important necessities of daily life?