family gatherings of sorts
As a parent of children with open adoptions, family gatherings like graduation celebrations are well unique, especially when they are organized by the biological sibling of an adopted son who has estranged extended family.
I felt very protective last night when we attended the graduation celebration of my son's biological sister. Last night it was very obvious to me that the graduate had a fantasy about having all her family (and extended family) under one roof, she had invited everyone without them knowing who would be there. Maybe she has watched too much of Mamma Mia :-) There was her biological grandmother, her biological mother with her husband, her biological dad with his wife and step children, her adoptive father and adoptive siblings, her adopted grandmother and aunt with cousins, her biological brother with his adoptive mother and adopted brother, the mother of the woman she lives with, and her pregnant best friend..I finally asked the graduate to introduce everyone so we could have an idea of the relationship to her. I guess I could enjoy her success in that she achieved her goal and everyone was civil and/or cordial.
I felt kind of sorry for the graduate. She has no real connection to anyone. She is everyone and no one's daughter. She is unattached trying to grasp at any and all relationships equally while expecting everyone else to connect when there is so much tension and underlying animosity.
No wonder our society doesn't "get" family anymore. Families are so fragmented. My definition of family involves a functioning unit of parents and children, not a collaboration of entities that are loosely connected by a single thin thread.
When people say "well, it's about the kids" isn't that kind of a misnomer? It can't really be about any one child. When the biological father started telling me how it "killed him" to not have more connection to our adopted son, I tried to tell him the door was only open slightly at this point in order to help the child be centered and focused on his own life. I also mentioned that he was one of four adopted children all of whom have extended family, but frankly, what I heard him say was "I know I'm supposed to say it's all about the child, but what I want is for you and my son to know how it affects me." I really have to wrestle with the feeling that biological families perceive the adopted child as being "on loan" to the adoptive parents until they are 18 or graduated.
Needless to say, I don't like situations where I fell guarded, or that pull at our family members. I wish more people would recognize that this is our family unit and the reason this child was placed in this family was so that this child could experience a solid foundation for growth and development. The original family was unable to provide the nurturing and firm foundation from which to grow and mature. Placement into an adoptive home is an exercise in hope and faith that the adoptive family can provide what the child needs to become an emotionally mature adult that can function in our complicated society.
Having adopted children with reactive attachment disorder and other disorders feels like a battle everyday. It is a battle for years to bring the child into acceptance that this is now their family and how to function well in that unit. Then it is a battle to keep them connected through their teen years they need while they mature. A whole other battle involves teaching biological families "waiting in the wings" that allowing the child to separate themselves from biological connections while they are maturing is actually helping that child.
Gatherings like this one last night are so challenging. If I come across as a protective mother bear I injure my relationship with my child, yet if I don't boundaries get sloshed everywhere and our family unit weakens. It's tricky and by the time the evening ended, my brain was worn and my muscles were quaking as I lay in my bed.
I felt very protective last night when we attended the graduation celebration of my son's biological sister. Last night it was very obvious to me that the graduate had a fantasy about having all her family (and extended family) under one roof, she had invited everyone without them knowing who would be there. Maybe she has watched too much of Mamma Mia :-) There was her biological grandmother, her biological mother with her husband, her biological dad with his wife and step children, her adoptive father and adoptive siblings, her adopted grandmother and aunt with cousins, her biological brother with his adoptive mother and adopted brother, the mother of the woman she lives with, and her pregnant best friend..I finally asked the graduate to introduce everyone so we could have an idea of the relationship to her. I guess I could enjoy her success in that she achieved her goal and everyone was civil and/or cordial.
I felt kind of sorry for the graduate. She has no real connection to anyone. She is everyone and no one's daughter. She is unattached trying to grasp at any and all relationships equally while expecting everyone else to connect when there is so much tension and underlying animosity.
No wonder our society doesn't "get" family anymore. Families are so fragmented. My definition of family involves a functioning unit of parents and children, not a collaboration of entities that are loosely connected by a single thin thread.
When people say "well, it's about the kids" isn't that kind of a misnomer? It can't really be about any one child. When the biological father started telling me how it "killed him" to not have more connection to our adopted son, I tried to tell him the door was only open slightly at this point in order to help the child be centered and focused on his own life. I also mentioned that he was one of four adopted children all of whom have extended family, but frankly, what I heard him say was "I know I'm supposed to say it's all about the child, but what I want is for you and my son to know how it affects me." I really have to wrestle with the feeling that biological families perceive the adopted child as being "on loan" to the adoptive parents until they are 18 or graduated.
Needless to say, I don't like situations where I fell guarded, or that pull at our family members. I wish more people would recognize that this is our family unit and the reason this child was placed in this family was so that this child could experience a solid foundation for growth and development. The original family was unable to provide the nurturing and firm foundation from which to grow and mature. Placement into an adoptive home is an exercise in hope and faith that the adoptive family can provide what the child needs to become an emotionally mature adult that can function in our complicated society.
Having adopted children with reactive attachment disorder and other disorders feels like a battle everyday. It is a battle for years to bring the child into acceptance that this is now their family and how to function well in that unit. Then it is a battle to keep them connected through their teen years they need while they mature. A whole other battle involves teaching biological families "waiting in the wings" that allowing the child to separate themselves from biological connections while they are maturing is actually helping that child.
Gatherings like this one last night are so challenging. If I come across as a protective mother bear I injure my relationship with my child, yet if I don't boundaries get sloshed everywhere and our family unit weakens. It's tricky and by the time the evening ended, my brain was worn and my muscles were quaking as I lay in my bed.
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