Schooling with the Emperor
Taking college courses rarely means that an individual performs all his or her work in isolation, especially when taking a class in communications. The Emperor has two classes this quarter; one science based, the other communications. The former requires the lions share of his study time, while the latter is designed to analyze self, receive personal feedback, and implement changes.
Never before has the role of gender in our relationship become so clear to me. The science class is straight forward, measurable, and directly related to his goal. The communications class, though necessary, is ambiguous, subjective, and less comfortable for the Emperor. The obvious preference of science over communications initially surprised me given our ability to communicate fairly well. As described by his course instruction, he is "bi-lingual" in male and female communications, and evidently so am I as I enjoy bonding through "doing" as well as "talking". Therefore the role of gender (social construct not biological sex) in communication seems to flow freely between us. I wondered if he had surpassed the need for such a basic course. After all, the Emperor has made friends easily with my female friends and sisters; his upbringing was dominated by his mother and grandmother who schooled him well in understanding women.
However, when resources are limited, the form of communication defaults to our gender preferences. The Emperor may be abrupt, or direct, and if I am not careful, I hear that he is upset with me, not that he is feeling pressured by duties and timelines. If I respond defensively, he becomes more empathic to clarify his need or concern. If I continue to respond in the same way we quickly form patterns that leave us in angry isolation. Likewise when Humbolt is approached by the Emperor in his default style of communication there is an immediate clash resulting either in Humbolt's tears or insubordinate rebellion. A more feminine approach takes a considerably longer time, and given her persistent nature sometimes patience wears thin. However, the latter approach typically results in a more agreeable and respectful child. Humbolt's obvious preference for the female communication style has grown stronger over time.
Another revelation came when I look at the way the Emperor and I relate to our own gender communications. I find that communications with other women sometimes leave me judgmental, exhausted, or unfulfilled, while my communication with male friends and acquaintances seldom end in my wondering what was meant, contemplating if there was another layer of meaning, or if I spoke with integrity. It is sometimes refreshing to talk in a very direct way and reflect less on the non-verbal cues underlying our conversation. Yet, I could not live on a steady diet of male communication. It's the female style that brings connection and validation to me.
The Emperor, a full-time student, employee, and father doesn't often indulge in male bonding activities. Thankfully we are bi-lingual in our communications; he recognizes that time talking with me increases our relational intimacy, and I am learning to be less defensive when he is direct. As we move forward in our marriage, our fluency is increasing. Assisting the Emperor in course like Communications brings clarity to our journey.
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Never before has the role of gender in our relationship become so clear to me. The science class is straight forward, measurable, and directly related to his goal. The communications class, though necessary, is ambiguous, subjective, and less comfortable for the Emperor. The obvious preference of science over communications initially surprised me given our ability to communicate fairly well. As described by his course instruction, he is "bi-lingual" in male and female communications, and evidently so am I as I enjoy bonding through "doing" as well as "talking". Therefore the role of gender (social construct not biological sex) in communication seems to flow freely between us. I wondered if he had surpassed the need for such a basic course. After all, the Emperor has made friends easily with my female friends and sisters; his upbringing was dominated by his mother and grandmother who schooled him well in understanding women.
However, when resources are limited, the form of communication defaults to our gender preferences. The Emperor may be abrupt, or direct, and if I am not careful, I hear that he is upset with me, not that he is feeling pressured by duties and timelines. If I respond defensively, he becomes more empathic to clarify his need or concern. If I continue to respond in the same way we quickly form patterns that leave us in angry isolation. Likewise when Humbolt is approached by the Emperor in his default style of communication there is an immediate clash resulting either in Humbolt's tears or insubordinate rebellion. A more feminine approach takes a considerably longer time, and given her persistent nature sometimes patience wears thin. However, the latter approach typically results in a more agreeable and respectful child. Humbolt's obvious preference for the female communication style has grown stronger over time.
Another revelation came when I look at the way the Emperor and I relate to our own gender communications. I find that communications with other women sometimes leave me judgmental, exhausted, or unfulfilled, while my communication with male friends and acquaintances seldom end in my wondering what was meant, contemplating if there was another layer of meaning, or if I spoke with integrity. It is sometimes refreshing to talk in a very direct way and reflect less on the non-verbal cues underlying our conversation. Yet, I could not live on a steady diet of male communication. It's the female style that brings connection and validation to me.
The Emperor, a full-time student, employee, and father doesn't often indulge in male bonding activities. Thankfully we are bi-lingual in our communications; he recognizes that time talking with me increases our relational intimacy, and I am learning to be less defensive when he is direct. As we move forward in our marriage, our fluency is increasing. Assisting the Emperor in course like Communications brings clarity to our journey.
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