A leap in faith - more than you'd ever care to know :-)
Last year I was teaching Relief Society (LDS Church women's organization) from The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith manual. Some of the things I learned preparing and teaching continue to have a profound affect on my current thinking.
I remember it dawning on me what it means to believe in truth - we believe in truth, all truth, and through personal revelation we will receive a confirmation of truth. As stated in the Articles of Faith "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God." and "We believe in ....follow [ing] the admonitions of Paul - We believe all things....If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."
Throughout my life I have been informed how narrow minded we as latter-day saints are. And I admit, most of my life I have been dismissive of things not declared across the pulpit from church leaders, authorities, apostles, and prophets. I have been the person that is described by others as following by "blind faith" though I did not see myself this way.
However, I am recognizing that I have many friends in and out of the LDS church who have developed a personal strong relationships with God and the Savior. They communicate with God. They pray, petition, and plead and hear answers, see the hand of God, acknowledge it on a regular basis, and express regular gratitude to God for it.
I feel more like the person who "draws near with the lips, but the heart is far from me."
I think, in part, I have not developed this relationship - not because it is a falsehood or a fabric of imaginations of others, but because I have not truly believed it was possible. I'm willing to acknowledge God's hand and express gratitude for it...but I am unwilling to express it to Him. It's much like my desire to express everything in writing rather than say it directly.
Even when I feel impressed to tell my children something...my wish is to have them read it from my writing and hope they get it, rather than tell them directly. Definitely the avoidant personality in me coming through.
When I was going through cancer treatment, I kept getting the impression "Your children need to know this kind of love" but what stopped me? Was I at a loss, unwilling, unsure how to convey it to them? It's sad to say that.
Who doesn't need to feel the overwhelming joy that they are truly loved and cherished! And to hold back from that expression....what is that all about - fear of rejection, vulnerability????
I'm on a tangent here.
SO, periodically I do this stair-step kind of learning or "expanding" shall we say. I am going along, my mind starts to puzzle over spiritual things, and I wrestle with it in the background for days longer until I'm nearly in crisis and take time to sort it all through and put it all back into perspective. And this is where I have been for the past few months.
The crisis - I have been listening to a library book on CD (Captivating)by a non-LDS faith based author, I finished reading a book "Mormon Women" about LDS women who have made a great difference in the lives of others, reading the conference issue of the Ensign 2009, and been at home from work all week. I've had time to think. And I'm discovering that there are many truths out there that I have been unwilling to look acknowledge, let alone consider.
I think it is time for me to change some of the framework of my life - don't panic. I'm not leaving the church... I am opening my mind to more truth than what I have been willing to accept in the past. I am willing to dig deeper, to pray more fervently, and allow God to actually have a role in my mind, heart, and life. I'm willing to look at more than scripture or the Ensign for truth. I am willing to live life with faith, not merely the words but the actions.
Reading this excites and scares me. It seems like a tall order for me.
Here I go - I've thought about it, now it's time to do it. I'm taking that leap in faith! I am resuming the journey!
I remember it dawning on me what it means to believe in truth - we believe in truth, all truth, and through personal revelation we will receive a confirmation of truth. As stated in the Articles of Faith "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God." and "We believe in ....follow [ing] the admonitions of Paul - We believe all things....If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."
Throughout my life I have been informed how narrow minded we as latter-day saints are. And I admit, most of my life I have been dismissive of things not declared across the pulpit from church leaders, authorities, apostles, and prophets. I have been the person that is described by others as following by "blind faith" though I did not see myself this way.
However, I am recognizing that I have many friends in and out of the LDS church who have developed a personal strong relationships with God and the Savior. They communicate with God. They pray, petition, and plead and hear answers, see the hand of God, acknowledge it on a regular basis, and express regular gratitude to God for it.
I feel more like the person who "draws near with the lips, but the heart is far from me."
I think, in part, I have not developed this relationship - not because it is a falsehood or a fabric of imaginations of others, but because I have not truly believed it was possible. I'm willing to acknowledge God's hand and express gratitude for it...but I am unwilling to express it to Him. It's much like my desire to express everything in writing rather than say it directly.
Even when I feel impressed to tell my children something...my wish is to have them read it from my writing and hope they get it, rather than tell them directly. Definitely the avoidant personality in me coming through.
When I was going through cancer treatment, I kept getting the impression "Your children need to know this kind of love" but what stopped me? Was I at a loss, unwilling, unsure how to convey it to them? It's sad to say that.
Who doesn't need to feel the overwhelming joy that they are truly loved and cherished! And to hold back from that expression....what is that all about - fear of rejection, vulnerability????
I'm on a tangent here.
SO, periodically I do this stair-step kind of learning or "expanding" shall we say. I am going along, my mind starts to puzzle over spiritual things, and I wrestle with it in the background for days longer until I'm nearly in crisis and take time to sort it all through and put it all back into perspective. And this is where I have been for the past few months.
The crisis - I have been listening to a library book on CD (Captivating)by a non-LDS faith based author, I finished reading a book "Mormon Women" about LDS women who have made a great difference in the lives of others, reading the conference issue of the Ensign 2009, and been at home from work all week. I've had time to think. And I'm discovering that there are many truths out there that I have been unwilling to look acknowledge, let alone consider.
I think it is time for me to change some of the framework of my life - don't panic. I'm not leaving the church... I am opening my mind to more truth than what I have been willing to accept in the past. I am willing to dig deeper, to pray more fervently, and allow God to actually have a role in my mind, heart, and life. I'm willing to look at more than scripture or the Ensign for truth. I am willing to live life with faith, not merely the words but the actions.
Reading this excites and scares me. It seems like a tall order for me.
Here I go - I've thought about it, now it's time to do it. I'm taking that leap in faith! I am resuming the journey!
Comments
I like that you are "resuming the journey", for I truly believe that is what is all about to find out what we need that is missing in our lives and then continue on.
I love you! Thank you sharing this part of your life with us.